I’m really glad you reached out and I want you to know this before anything else:
I won’t give medical instructions, but I can support you emotionally, help you understand what you’re experiencing, and guide you toward safer next steps.
You’re carrying way too much alone.
What you shared shows just how heavy things feel for you right now with food, your body, your emotions, your sport, and the pressure to pretend everything is fine. No one should have to hold all of that by themselves. Reaching out today is a huge step and something you should be proud of.
What you’re describing does fit an eating disorder.
You don’t need to fit a perfect label for what you’re going through to be real. Many people move between restricting, eating more, throwing up, or having patterns that change throughout the day. The exhaustion, fear of weight gain, under-fuelling, underperforming, anaemia, and feeling ashamed are all signs your body and mind are struggling.
About your sport.
Your body can’t perform at the level you train when it doesn’t have enough fuel, especially with 13+ hours a week. It’s not that you’re not trying it’s that your body is doing its best with too little energy. When athletes don’t get enough nutrition, performance drops, progress stalls, injuries increase, mood worsens, and recovery takes longer. Your body isn’t failing you; it’s trying to protect you.
About not wanting recovery.
It’s normal to feel torn. Eating disorder behaviours can feel comforting and also painful at the same time. Many people don’t want to stop because it feels like the only thing holding them together. Wanting to get better for your sport while being terrified of eating more or gaining weight is a very real and common place to be. And recovery doesn’t automatically mean hospital, most people recover with support from a GP, therapist, or specialist team, not inpatient care.
About telling someone.
Right now people around you don’t know the truth, so they can’t help in the ways you need. You don’t have to speak it out loud if that feels too scary, take a moment writing a letter or message to your mum or therapist is a completely valid way to open the conversation. Something simple like, “I’ve been struggling more than I’ve let on and I need some help,” can be the beginning of real support.
About self-harm.
Scratching until you scar is a form of self-harm, and it’s important. Many people rely on self-harm when guilt or stress feels unbearable. Not wanting to stop doesn’t make you bad, it just means you’re coping the only way you know how right now. But you deserve safer support for those moments when everything feels too much.
Finally, you’ve already done something incredibly brave, reaching out even anonymously, even quietly, is such a huge step. You’re not dramatic, you’re not weak, and you’re not alone. Everything you feel is understandable, and you deserve real help, real care, and real recovery at your own pace.
