Written by Lara Taylor, Specialist Midwife
There are no words that can truly capture the depth of pain someone experiences following a miscarriage. In the second of this two-part blog, I discuss seeking advice and emotional support from family, friends and medical professionals which can be so beneficial during this time.
If you’re reading this in search of support, answers, or simply the hope that you’re not alone, I want to say how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I hope the information here provides some comfort and reassurance, but most importantly, know that you are not alone in your grief.
If you're here because someone close to you has suffered a loss, I hope these words help you understand a bit more about what they might be going through, along with some guidance on how you can support them during this difficult time.
Every miscarriage is different, and there’s no right or wrong way to cope with it. How you feel and deal with your loss will depend entirely on your personal circumstances and your own experiences.
I am a Midwife specialising in several areas, including pregnancy loss and pregnancy after loss. Throughout my years as a Bereavement Midwife, I’ve had the privilege of supporting and caring for women and their families who have experienced pregnancy and baby loss. I have listened to those in my care during this incredibly challenging time and know just how difficult it can be to navigate—both emotionally and physically. My hope is that my insight and advice will provide some comfort and guidance to you and your family, as you manage this truly heart breaking experience.
Lara Taylor, Registered Midwife BSc Hons.
Whilst there are some precautions you can take to reduce the risk of miscarriage, it's important to understand that, in most cases, miscarriages are beyond your control.
Many people feel a sense of guilt, thinking they might have done something to cause their miscarriage or that they could have prevented it. But the truth is, it's very unlikely that this is the case. I want to reassure you that there is NO evidence to suggest that everyday activities like working, exercising, flying, experiencing normal levels of stress, or having sex can cause a miscarriage.
Miscarriages are, unfortunately, quite common and can happen for many different reasons, often without a clear cause. While we don’t have exact statistics, experts estimate that around 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and most miscarriages that occur before 12 weeks are thought to be due to problems with the baby's chromosomes, affecting healthy development.
This is something many people don’t realise—mainly because unless it’s happened to you, or someone close to you, it's not often given much thought. But I also believe even now, when so much information is available, it’s an incredibly difficult thing to talk about. With stigma and shame still attached to pregnancy loss, many women feel discouraged from opening up about miscarrying. I often hear the families in my care say once they have shared their story of loss, they discover friends or family members have gone through the same thing but had never talked about it.
As I’ve mentioned, there is still a lot of stigma and shame associated with miscarriage, which means that many people might hesitate to openly express how they’re truly feeling. The truth is, there’s no right or wrong way to feel after a miscarriage, and some emotions may come as a surprise.
You might find yourself mourning this loss deeply and feeling like the grief will never go away, while other people describe feeling guilty for not being devastated by the ending of their pregnancy, or even relief if the pregnancy was unplanned. All these reactions are completely valid and it's not unusual to experience a mix of emotions, from sadness, anger, and confusion, to numbness, jealousy, loneliness, or even a sense of not being able to cope.
Physical symptoms often accompany these emotional responses too, you might have trouble sleeping, lose your appetite, or feel utterly exhausted. But please know, these reactions are all perfectly normal, regardless of the gestation your pregnancy reached.
It's okay to feel what you feel. Miscarriage is a deeply personal experience, and your emotions are unique to you. Whatever you’re going through, you're not alone in your feelings, and it’s okay to reach out for support when you need it.
Many people who experience miscarriage often feel as though their grief isn't fully acknowledged, especially if the loss happened early in the pregnancy. But whether you miscarried in the first trimester or experienced a stillbirth in your third trimester, you have every right to grieve. This grief is real, and it's completely valid—there's absolutely nothing silly or shameful about it.
You’re not only mourning the loss of your pregnancy but also the dreams and hopes for the future that came with it. I say this because, in my experience as a bereavement midwife, I know that as soon as you saw that positive pregnancy test, you likely began imagining your future family. You pictured yourself holding your baby, going for walks with a pram, and planning what your life might look like. When that future is taken away, it's only natural to grieve not just for the loss of your baby but for the life you had envisioned.
I also know that many of you won’t have shared these thoughts with anyone. Which is why miscarriage is a very different kind of loss and one which those around you may find hard to understand.
Finding ways to honour and remember your baby can bring comfort and help acknowledge your loss. In England, for example, you can now apply for an official baby loss certificate for any losses before 24 weeks. This certificate isn't a legal document, but it serves as an important acknowledgment of your baby’s existence. You can apply for this at any time, even if your loss occurred years ago.
Some hospitals offer funeral or monthly cremation services that you can attend with your family. They may also have a remembrance garden or hold annual memorial services. It’s worth reaching out to your local hospital’s bereavement unit to find out what services and support they offer during this difficult time.
In addition to what your hospital may provide, here are some other meaningful ways to commemorate your baby that you might like to consider and find comforting:
There's no set time on how long you should be feeling this way after a miscarriage, and it’s really important to not compare yourself to anyone else. Even when you start to feel better, you may still have days when you’re reminded of your loss and the pain seems worse, and that’s quite normal. What is important though is looking after you and your mental health.
Eating balanced meals is important because your body needs nutrients to help it recover. It can also help regulate your mood. Staying hydrated is equally essential, but try to avoid alcohol and other stimulants, as they can impact your emotional well-being.
Sleep is so important for your recovery and your mental health, as well as reducing stress and helping to regulate emotions. It’s normal for your sleep to be affected after a loss so try not to worry about it too much, but introducing self -care methods can help your sleep to regulate. You can try emptying your thoughts onto paper before you go to bed, having a relaxing bath or continuing with a bedtime routine you’ve had before.
Engage in activities that bring you peace and comfort, whether that’s spending time outdoors, practicing yoga, meditating, reading, or doing something creative. Mindfulness and relaxation techniques can also be really helpful. Make your well-being a priority.
How the body responds to a miscarriage is individual to you and can depend on how far you are into your pregnancy. If bleeding is heavy or you have severe pain, seek help from your Early Pregnancy unit at your local hospital, Midwife or GP.
Keeping connected is so important and sharing your experience can really help with grief. If you feel comfortable, ask for support from your partner, family, and friends. Consider joining a support group or seek professional counselling services. There are many National baby loss charities that offer support over the phone or local charities that offer face to face support and groups. You’ll find some below in the resources section.
Whether that means leaning on your partner, friends or family, you are entitled to all the reassurance and kindness that you need. If you are finding it hard to cope with daily life, for a long time after your loss or you are becoming worried about your mental health after your miscarriage, voice your concerns to someone close, your midwife or your GP. Everyone is different, and you may even find reaching out to a bereavement counsellor could really help.
Your mental health can be affected by loss in so many ways, but not everyone dealing with it is diagnosed with a specific mental health problem. Nevertheless, you might still have symptoms that are upsetting and difficult to live with. If you do experience any symptoms like these, it might be a good idea to seek some extra support.
Insensitive comments from others can be hurtful, like being told you should be over it by now. Often, people don’t know what to say or do but being open with them about how they can support you can make a difference.
Remember, you are not alone, and there is no shame in asking for help when you need it. You deserve all the support, care, and love as you navigate this difficult journey.
Supporting someone who has experienced a miscarriage is often a delicate and emotional task. It’s sometimes difficult to know what to say or what to do, because everyone is on their own journey, including you! So, I thank you for taking the time to read and consider how to offer your support—it means a lot to those going through such a painful experience.
Here are some points to consider and that may help guide you in supporting someone through their grief:
Listen without judgment: Encourage open communication and let them share their feelings at their own pace. Let them know it's okay to feel however they do.
Ask if baby has a name and use it often. It’s a way to validate their feelings about their loss and will bring comfort.
The most important thing you can do is to acknowledge what has happened. It doesn’t have to be anything complicated or profound. It can be as simple as saying,
These words mean more than you might think.
When supporting someone who has experienced a miscarriage, it's important to be sensitive to their emotions. Some well-meaning comments can unintentionally cause pain or invalidate their feelings. Avoid minimising their loss with comments like:
"You can always try again."
This can suggest that the baby they lost is replaceable, which is not how parents usually feel about their loss.
"At least it was early on."
A loss is a loss, regardless of how early or late it happened in the pregnancy. Minimising it by referencing the timing can make them feel like their grief is not justified.
"Everything happens for a reason." or ” It was probably for the best”
Even if intended to provide comfort, it can imply that the loss is somehow justified or "meant to be," which can feel invalidating.
These phrases, even if well-intentioned, can feel dismissive and hurtful.
Grief doesn’t follow a timeline, and healing looks different for everyone. Supporting a partner or someone close through miscarriage requires sensitivity, patience, and a willingness to be there during a challenging and emotional time. By offering unconditional love, empathy and practical assistance, you can provide invaluable support to them as they navigate their grief and healing journey. Allow them to process their emotions at their own pace and avoid putting any pressure on how they "should" feel or behave.
If you are feeling at a loss because your partner has suffered a miscarriage, I understand you may be struggling too. This leaflet may help you https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/PartnersToo.pdf
It’s understandable that reading this may not take away the pain, but I hope it brings some comfort in knowing that what you’re feeling is completely normal. You’re not alone; there are so many who share this grief, even if it’s often unspoken. Remember, there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to feel after a miscarriage. Allow yourself to experience and express your emotions without judgment, and know that healing, both physically and emotionally, takes time. Be gentle and patient with yourself.
Unfortunately, when society deems a topic off-limits or it’s treated as a taboo subject, people who’ve miscarried can struggle to get the emotional, medical and psychological help that they need. Sharing your experience, when, or if you feel ready, is entirely your choice. But sometimes starting a conversation about miscarriage, even if it’s just with someone close to you, can often create a ripple effect giving others the permission to share their own stories too. Little by little, it helps break down the stigma and fosters a more understanding, compassionate environment where everyone affected by miscarriage can get the support they truly need.
Tommy’s baby loss support group https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1iNucD79yVzkbDRQ/?mibextid=K35XfP
https://www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/miscarriage-information-and-support
Tommys helpline
0800 0147 800
Mon-Fri 9am-5pm
The Miscarriage Association leaflets
Helpline 01924 200799
Mon, Tue, Thu 9am-4pm | Wed, Fri 9am-8pm
Info@miscarriageassociation.org.uk
British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
Hold a therapist directory.
01455 883 300
Ectopic pregnancy trust support line
020 7733 2653 or 0300 102 0180.
24-hour helpline: 116 123 (freephone)
jo@samaritans.org
Request a baby loss certificate - GOV.UK
The Miscarriage Association:Pregnancy Loss Information & Support
Saying goodbye - support for miscarriage and baby and infant loss
Still Parents Podcast Podcast Series – Apple Podcasts
Miscarriage information and support | Tommy's
The Molar Pregnancy Support & Information - The Complete Resource
Bereavement care after baby loss - learning for all
https://portal.e-lfh.org.uk/Component/Details/589351
A miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a pregnancy before the 24th week. Most miscarriages occur in the first trimester.
Common symptoms include vaginal bleeding, cramping or pain in the abdomen, back pain, and the passage of tissue or clot-like material.
A miscarriage can be diagnosed through an ultrasound and blood tests to measure hormone levels.
Yes, many people go on to have healthy pregnancies after experiencing a miscarriage. It's important to give your body time to recover and to seek medical advice for any underlying issues.
Having one miscarriage does not significantly increase the risk of another. However, recurrent miscarriages (two or more) may warrant further investigation and treatment.
Contact your healthcare provider immediately. They can provide guidance and necessary medical care.
No, a miscarriage is rarely due to something the mother did or didn't do. It is often due to factors beyond anyone's control.
If your baby is born with no signs of life, there is no legal requirement to register the birth. If you live in England, you can now apply for an official baby loss certificate, for any losses before 24 weeks. It’s not a legal document but is an official one.
Lara Taylor, Registered Midwife BSc Hons
Private and Independent Specialist Midwife
Educator, Trainer, Copywriter and Speaker.
Specialist knowledge in Fertility, Bereavement Care, Safeguarding,
Enhanced Postnatal Care, C-Section Advanced Recovery,
Newborn Cognitive and
Emotional Development & Breastfeeding.
